Part-timer

Tonight I finally allowed myself to shed a few more tears over Nora’s hip dysplasia situation. This time, however, they were good ones… tears of relief and joy, letting go of a little worry, and even a little misplaced guilt.

After a very restless night last night, we all got up early this morning to head down to Indy for Nora’s follow up to see 1) if the brace was working, and 2) for how much longer she would have to wear it. All of the research I had done told me that typically the brace is worn for 6 to 12 weeks and then at least part time for an additional 6 to 12 more weeks. And if the brace didn’t work, the next step would be surgery and a hard cast.

I had already mentally prepared myself (this time) to not be so shocked should we get the worst news, but I tried to put it out of my mind for a bit longer while we enjoyed a pleasant detour to have lunch with Tiffany, Calvin and the new bump that is rapidly growing. It was a lot of fun to watch the kids stealing glances with each other and the other restaurant patrons, and garnering lots of compliments on how adorable they were. Even though it was a brief visit, we left in good spirits and headed to the doctor’s office to see what would become Nora next.

Even though she  had been a little fussy when we were finishing lunch, by the time we got to Nora’s appointment she was in a good mood again. She thankfully stayed pretty happy through the whole x-ray process (a VAST improvement over last visit) and was still smiling and drooling away when the doctor came in. I had a pretty good feeling as we sat waiting because a nurse had brought in the pictures and her hips looked a lot better, to us at least. Her doctor was thrilled at her improvement too; in fact, when he came in he announced that she really didn’t even need the brace anymore! But, just to be cautious, he recommended we keep her in it for about 8 hours a day, and then we’ll follow up again in two more weeks. After that, he seems to think we’ll just be back on the ‘keep an eye on it’ track with visits every three months.

Holy moley!

The best news I was expecting to hear was that she’d be wearing the brace full time for another month! Obviously we’re overjoyed, even though we’re still not in the clear just yet. I’m so grateful to her pediatrician for catching the problem so early and also for the specialist for giving her the right treatment and saving her so much pain and suffering down the road!

Resilient

The past couple of days have been really trying for me as a mother. But even as my heart aches knowing I can’t “fix” my baby, it sings with joy to see her tears of frustration quickly transformed back into her usual babbles and coos of amusement and contentment.

A couple of months ago we learned that our sweet little girl had a very slight case of developmental dysplasia of the hip (DDH), but our first visit with the specialist was actually reassuring since he told us that many of these cases simply go away on their own; we’d just have to come back for evaluation every three months.

So now after Nora’s three-month ‘birthday’ we trekked back down to Indianapolis to hopefully hear some good news. In fact, we did hear a tiny bit: her right hip, which was originally the cause of concern, was much improved. But her left hip had gotten worse, so the doctor decided that it was time for a brace.

I was utterly crushed. On top of all of this Nora has been crying her eyes out since the x-ray when we first arrived, and now they were strapping her into this contraption that looked uncomfortable and awkward. I tried to hold her to nurse and could only manage to get her latched while sitting upright on my lap, and still she was pretty much inconsolable. We did get to take the brace back off to fit her in her car seat, and as we got on the road to go home, she finally passed out. I sat in the back seat and wept most of the way home.

Even though I knew better, I wondered if somehow I could have prevented this, or if I had done something to hurt her. Unfortunately her condition is usually congenital, genetics are a ‘factor’, and the highest risk is in first-born females. It can also be caused by tightly swaddling the hips, but we’ve been practicing ‘safe swaddling’ ever since we learned of the risk. So unfair as it seems, there really was nothing we could have done better or differently.

When we finally got home that evening, we were all completely worn out.  After a quick diaper change, we strapped her back in the brace and tried to sort out how we were going to get through the night and the next day. With a lot of trial & error, we finally got into a comfortable nursing position, and many tears later she fell asleep again.

Normally she only wakes once each night, but between the discomfort in her belly (crying creates lots of air bubbles) and her inability to move with the brace, we were up every hour and a half to two hours. By this morning I was so utterly exhausted, I caved. I took off the brace, and we snuggled down for a three-hour stretch. And when we woke up, she was able to wiggle and poop before we dressed & re-braced for the day.

Each passing hour seemed like a struggle at first, just trying to sort out the most basic elements of our routine: nursing, burping, napping, and diapering. She dozed off and on, at first waking up screaming in apparent agony, but slowly realizing that all her needs were being met and this brace is the new normal.

I’m still reserving judgement on saying she’s completely adjusted until we get through tonight, but she really has brought back hope that we’ll all be able to get through this trying time together. Her strength and resilience are a soothing balm for this mother’s heart.

Granola

There are a lot of ways to parent a child. I honestly didn’t realize this before getting pregnant. I knew there were things I didn’t want to do, and other things that made sense.

I knew about certain choices like cloth diapering and breast-feeding. I knew that some families make their own baby food. I know that there are a lot of reasons why people make the choices they do. Some are basically environmental. Some flirt between the lines of anti-establishment and holistic methodology.

Our choices for the upcoming birth of our child fall somewhere in that realm, too. We’ve decided to seek the care and partnership of people who will support and encourage the most natural aspects of bringing a child into the world. On the other hand, I certainly don’t have anything against hospitals and doctors and surgeons who are trained to deal with the more complicated side of things.

Beyond that, though I don’t think I have it in me to really be a ‘crunchy’ earth mommy.

We don’t plan to cloth diaper. Not at first anyway. We decided that babies have enough of a learning curve that we didn’t want to make anything more complicated than it had to be.

Our initial postpartum adjusting period could be best labeled as disposable. Plates, cups, utensils, all the containers I’m freezing meals in… all suitable for tossing after use. We’re probably responsible for the destruction of an acre or two of rain forest. But Brandon & I had a talk about what kind of things we could let slide while we were growing accustomed to the ‘new routine’, and this seemed like the best plan. If we had a dishwasher, it’d be another story entirely. But we don’t. So there.

Also, I have really no clue what the big deal is with delayed or even skipping vaccinations altogether. I have to lump this one in with the cloth diapers: I’m not sure I have the time or energy to invest in good research and formulating my own opinion before our baby comes. (Not to say that I won’t be asking questions and finding out risks/benefits, but I’m probably not likely to veer too far away from mainstream until I see some evidence.)

Not going to get started on the organic/free range/ locally grown debate. It’s way bigger than this blog post. We do what we can, and sometimes we still eat french fries. I’d like to say my kids won’t know about french fries until they’re school aged, but real life is full of curve balls that I’m probably completely unprepared for.

I do plan to breastfeed. For one, it’s natural. A close second: it’s free. I know there are countless health and mental/emotional benefits for mothers and babies, too. Bonus.

Also, I’m going to babywear. Happy baby, hands free? Um, duh.

Co-sleeping: yes. This one Brandon was a little iffy about at first until I showed him the designs of the sleepers and how the frame would keep us from squishing nine months of hard work. It’s a little more controversial, but for us, the benefits out-weigh the risks. There are studies that show babies who sleep in the same room as the parents have fewer occurrences of SIDS, there’s all the middle of the night feedings that we can avoid getting out of bed twice for, and there’s your baby… right there. I dig.

I’ve already mentioned how I feel about gender normative clothing (and toys). So far I’ll admit that most of my family has thrown all that out the window. I was pretty annoyed at first, but honestly, the bulk of the clothes we have are under 6 month sized. This baby will probably never remember that she spent the bulk of her first days dressed like the Easter bunny. Breathing and moving on…

I’m sure there’s a plethora of parenting issues I’m not even starting to touch. I’m okay with that. Obviously our goal is not to fit into the “Greenest Super-parents of the Decade” mold. Honestly I’m a little wary even throwing around the term ‘holistic’. But we’ll try our damnedest, and that will have to be enough.

The Internet

I know the internet hasn’t been around for forever, but it definitely feels like it sometimes. I do know that my knowledge of computers has basically grown up with the internet in existence, so I’ve really never had one without the other.  From basic email, to chat rooms and games, to blogging and the beginnings of social media as we now know it to exist, and doing research for papers and projects, I’ve spent a good size chunk of my life online whether for entertainment or out of necessity.

It seems to be a little strange, then, how many business still don’t have a website. Not even a ‘good’ website, just something that comes up when I type in your name and location into a search engine. I know I’m being biased, but when it comes to giving my business to someone, if I can’t learn anything about you online (even just on Facebook) I have a hard time finding a reason to give you my money over someone who does the most basic work.

Now I know there are LOTS of small businesses that don’t quite have the time or resources to put themselves out there, or simply just don’t know how. The thing that really baffles me is all the medical practices and professionals who aren’t on the internet. Their profession relies heavily on technology, so it’s not like they’re oblivious to computers. How do they hope to differentiate themselves from their competition? I understand that a website really says nothing about the quality of care provided, but it still opens the door to building a relationship. If I can see your face, look up your office hours, see a picture of your facility… it all helps. To me, it also makes a statement about how much they value growing their business. Quite frankly, I’m not particularly interested in patronizing a doctor who doesn’t push themselves and their business forward.

So I go on my insurance provider’s website. I type in the kind of doctor I’m looking for. And then I start Googling. Usually every single name that comes up in my results. And then, depending on my success, I start asking friends and family for referrals. Why do I as for referrals last? Mostly because I see a lot of apathy. I want to really love my doctors. I’m trusting them to help me manage the health of this one body that needs to last. For the most part I see people who don’t particularly like (or dislike) their doctor. It’s the fact that shopping around can be such a pain.

Now I’m starting to search for a doctor for my baby. I will admit, this one time I did as for referrals first, because for some reason, people treat the healthcare of their children differently than their own. It’s something parent’s fight for, and get second and third opinions for. And still, I rely on the internet.

I’d like to say I don’t make snap judgments based on what I find online, but that’s a lie. It is a first impression, and honestly, usually a good one if I can find something that wasn’t published by a healthcare rating service. I don’t know if this makes me a better or worse mother, or just a new one.

Still hoping

So I called the birth center like I said I would. They seemed nice enough and let me know that, no, most insurance companies do not consider them to be “in network.” But they were more than happy to schedule a sort of meet-and-greet with me to go over the costs involved and introduce me to one or more of the midwives. I hung up a little more anxious than I started, but decided to call our insurance people to get more information on what our ‘out of network’ benefits may be.
Verbatim: “Um, no. You don’t have any.”
Apparently one of the reasons we have such good insurance benefits in-network is because if we go elsewhere, we’re screwed.
I hung up the phone nearly in tears.
And then I called my sister and vented while a few drops leaked out the corners of my eyes. And then Brandon got home from work and I turned into an all out faucet.
Why should it be so hard to have things done without all the drugs and interventions? Shouldn’t insurance LIKE you for keeping things simple for them?
Needless to say, yesterday I was still kinda depressed. I found myself wishing I had no idea about any of this and could blindly go back to what all forces were telling me were ‘right’. Or at least easy. Even though in my gut, I know that ‘right’ and ‘easy’ rarely go hand in hand.
So today I remembered a nice fancy birth center I had found, oddly enough, through our insurance search results for CNM’s. Only problem is, it’s in Goshen, which is an hour and a half away. In good weather. (Did I mention our baby is due the end of February?)
However, after Monday’s fiasco, an hour and a half drive for something that might be at least partially covered by insurance seems well worth the time and energy to check this out. They were amazing over the phone (even nicer than the other birth center) and seemed very well prepared to answer all my questions now and in person.
I’m not even going to get started on Brandon’s concerns for me driving there all by myself every week as I get very close to my due date, I’m just going to hope for the very best until I have a reason to believe otherwise.

Get it out

Of all of the parts of pregnancy that should seem the simplest, you’d think birthing a child would rank right up there. They decide for themselves, ‘Hey I want out of here!’ You rush off to the hospital and a few uncomfortable hours later, there you have it: a brand shiny new baby.
Right?
What happens though, when the parents decide they don’t especially want to feed their baby into the normal birthing ‘system’?
I am more than a little opposed to being pumped full of drugs that tell my baby to “hurry up”, or tell me that I’m not actually in a great deal of pain, or especially having a completely unnecessary cesarean. I’d like to think that my idea of a normal birth is a lot more, well, normal.
One little piece of information I’ve heard is that using a Certified Nurse Midwife instead of an OB/GYN can greatly improve your odds of having things go more naturally. So that’s where I started. Go through my insurance provider database, and viola! Two CNM’s.
Two.
I get my choice of two dozen OB’s, but only two midwives? And through the grapevine, I hear that one of these options sometimes does things more ‘medically’ than most doctors. Eish.
So I make my appointment with the other. She’s pretty great, actually, and very down to earth. So much so that she tells me that she might not be what we’re looking for.
See, she only delivers babies during her normal office hours. Basically, Monday through Thursday, 9am-4pm.  No on-call. So if baby Kelley were to come outside those hours, I’d be back with an OB. Also known as square one.
She did however, give me the name of a birth center that’s just 20 minutes away. I couldn’t find them through my insurance, so I’ve been hanging on to the phone number in a stale sort of panic. They have three midwives who will deliver babies at any hour, they’re right next to the hospital if I’d need to transfer, and they sound too good to be true.
I told Brandon that today I would face the dragon: give them a call to see if by some miracle they accept our insurance. If not, we have a lot of choices to make. Do we go with them anyway and pay out-of-network rates? Do we look into nurse midwives who will do home births? Do we roll the dice and hope the baby comes within office hours?
I’m  not ready to give up and get fed back into the system, but finding alternatives has been a lot harder than I expected. And to think, once the baby is finally here, the real challenges begin!

For Tiff

I went to my new eye doctor yesterday. It was a pretty pleasant experience, as far as doctors go. Dr. Ulangca was very personable and a lot more conversational than my last optometrist. The rest of the staff was pretty nice, too, but it’s really hard to compete with the awesome team that Dr. Bennett has. They called me by name when I walked in the door. Granted it was because I had a few issues with my glasses, but they always made it right.
I was more than a little hesitant to walk away from such service, but I think Houston Pierce Optical will treat me well too.

So we went through the motions of the exam. I let her know up front that I was looking to switch to contacts. She told me a lot of information I already know (but is good to hear again), asked me if I had any brand preferences, and concerns. She also talked to me about all the reasons to not leave in contacts overnight. I told her she needn’t worry because I know that my eyes don’t close all the way when I sleep and contacts dry out. She asked me if anyone had ever told me what to do about that. Um no?
Well there’s this tape you can put on your eyelids…
Yeah, not for me.
Also, there’s a nighttime eye gel. She recommended Genteal, and described it as basically Vaseline for your eyeballs. Well, it’s not tape, so I gave it a try.

It was minimally messy, but the weird blurry vision was the most interesting effect. Obviously if you have a thick film over your eyeballs, you’re not going to see well. It felt pretty great though, after struggling to take out my contacts the first time. I’m getting ahead of myself though.
So after the first part of the exam, she went out and found me some contact lenses for me to try over the next week.
*BAM*
I have contacts! Cool!
And then she put drops in my eyes to dilate them. And then told me to wash my hands and put the contacts in. Going in was super easy, thankfully. But the combination of the dilation and not being able to see close up, combined with this new feeling on my eyeballs: whoa. On top of all that I’d been fighting a headache & ‘off’ stomach most of the day. More bright lights, and I was clear to go. More or less.
I made it home in one piece, had some toast, and decided to lay down. In the evening I was off to the store in search of this eye goo. I walked around Meijer looking (apparently) like an anime character with my eyes still mostly dilated, but managed to find what I needed. And that night I gave it a try.
Of course, I had to get my contacts out first. Ug. Ouch, seriously. I’m not sure if it would have been better if I had taken off my mascara first, but my eyes were just so tired and stressed that getting the contacts out was quite a chore.
After my eventual success, I squirted out a little of the goop and put it down in my bottom eyelid. Blink blink. Fuzzy vision (again), stumble to the bed, and get in and close my eyes.
This morning one of my eyes was still pretty sore, so I put in a little more gel and went about my morning routine only half-blurry. I wiped off the extra before my makeup and quite frankly today my eyes feel great. Oh yeah, I didn’t put in my contacts this morning because I’m only supposed to wear them for 6 hours, and I’ll be out late tonight.
Sorry for all the play-by-play, but I promised my sister I’d tell her how the eye goop went!