Me & the baby (weight)

Food and I are definitely friends again.
I won’t say that I’m entirely over the picky eating, but there are more things that sound delicious than make me want to turn my head and hurl. And after my ‘dinner’ last night, I knew I needed to put some more intention into my eating. (Dinner was a run to get onion rings at 8pm, that’s what I swore I had to have right now.)
I’ve still been keeping tabs on my weight, and while it’s creeping up, I think I’ve been doing good so far. But with 6 more months of pregnancy ahead of me, cravings for greasy food and sweets will add up fast. And I know exactly where my diet is lacking because I’ve found myself craving salads a few times in the past week as well. So more fruits and vegetables are making their way back into the rotation, hopefully getting back up to the 6-8 serving mark soon.
And yes, I realize a basket of onion rings does not count!

No I’m not 6 months pregnant, I’m just fat

That might be a little harsh, but as the baby starts to give me even more ‘gut’ than normal, I’m feeling a tiny bit self conscious.
It’s no secret, I wasn’t skinny before. So everything I had read was that ‘overweight people take longer to start showing’. And this past weekend I got a dozen belly rubs and nods to my expanding pregnant shape, I’m clearly in former fat girl hell.
I used to be a lot bigger, and ever since I started losing weight it’s been a constant battle. And after dropping 30 pounds over the past couple years (and gaining back ten), seeing my midsection expand is wreaking havoc on my self image.
Yes, I know it’s normal, I’m going to get much much bigger before this is over, probably exceeding my heaviest ever weight, and that is well within reason. But something in me has yet to click that will let me enjoy the bulge.
I guess if everyone around me hadn’t known that I was pregnant, I still might pass for fat, so I should feel grateful that I’m collecting belly pats and not side-eyes.
(Note to self: stop saying “fat”.)
Hopefully my psyche will catch up to my waistline soon, so I can enjoy that, while it might be well padded, my baby is forming quite the bump on my belly.

Baby gut

I know it’s really early in my pregnancy so I’ve been pretty meticulously monitoring the scale. It seems my inability to eat in the morning has been offsetting my sometimes ridiculous cravings in the evenings. I’ve gained a pound and a half.
My body doesn’t feel like it’s a pound and a half bigger. My baby gut & bloat feel like six or eight pounds of mass making all my pants uncomfortable. Working from home has been a HUGE blessing & I’ve spent the past few weeks living in yoga pants. I have a few pairs of maternity jeans stuffed up in my closet from my appendectomy and I’m totally ready to bust them out now. I know I’m not ‘showing’ but the fact that my uterus has already grown from the size of a pear to that of a grapefruit has to count for something.
(Seriously, a grapefruit??)
I do feel kinda silly about all of this. If the clothes weren’t already in my closet, I’d probably suffer through several more weeks and walk around the house with my jeans unbuttoned half the time.
But really, is it so bad to want to be comfortable?

or rather ‘Rachael Getting Bigger’

My sister asked me if I would think about starting a pregnancy blog. I thought about it seriously, but after just shutting down my wedding blog, I decided not to leave any more trails to nowhere. And this blog is all about me,  my health and my body. And right now my body is pregnant.
Someday there might be a blog added that will be dedicated to the child(ren) as they are manifested. But for now this little pod lodged in my uterus is still a part of me. More or less.
Today I am five weeks and five days pregnant, which makes the pod-baby about three weeks and five days. Because for some strange reason they started the countdown on this baby from the last time it definitely wasn’t a baby: the beginning of my last period. (If I had known this I might have considered seriously holding off for another month so as to not confuse people: no we did NOT conceive this baby before the wedding. Sheesh.
Anyway.
The past couple weeks I’ve been pretty tired. Which I actually noted back here before I knew anything. Also that whole post about not drinking, well I probably wasn’t entirely honest. While I was feeling all of the things noted, I was also realizing that drinking just isn’t good for a body that’s thinking about getting pregnant soon. But since we weren’t really ‘trying’ (not not trying, was our phrase of choice), it’s hard to be up front about all that. So sorry, I guess.
My diet is a little bit crazy lately. But in a good way. I’ve been craving super fresh, healthy foods. And also bananas, which I used to loathe. I suppose choking one down here and there has finally taught me to enjoy those little nutrient packed morsels, and now I can’t seem to get enough.
Yesterday & today’s weird craving was red potatoes. Boiled and then topped with parsley, pepper & a little butter. Yesterday I was compelled to go to the store to buy them, but by dinner time I was so wiped out I forgot to actually cook them. But today for lunch… oh yeah!
And while I was at the store on the hunt for red potatoes specifically, I also managed to pick up: plums, more bananas, coleslaw mix (we already had dressing), orange bell peppers, cucumbers and banana nut muffins. (Yes, even more banana.)
I contemplated not getting the muffins, but after going over the nutrition facts, they were not that bad. And they were delicious.
Also on my to-do list: seriously take my calcium supplements (stupid dairy allergy), find time (and energy) to get exercising, and get more structure into my days, especially with starting this new job.
Finally, new the past couple days: nausea. Not as bad in the morning as in the evening. Pretty sure spicy food is more or less off my menu until February as well. The Chipotle I had a couple days ago gave me this weird blend of nausea and heartburn that I do not want to deal with ever again. Still keeping everything down, though, and eating a little something seems to help, as long as its fairly bland. (More potatoes? Sure!)
I haven’t really gained any weight yet, which I think is ok, although it depends on the source. Some say gain 10oz per week, some say that with morning sickness you may lose weight, etc.While I know that I’ll have to gain some, I’m trying to be super conscious about the quality of the foods I’m eating, so that when I’m hungry, I can eat.
Speaking of, I think we’re off to find some food. Gyro salad is calling my name!

Renewed

This is not a new thing for me. Not even really a ‘back on the bandwagon’ since one day does not make a habit. But I told myself I’d switch up my schedule so I could work out in the mornings again, and today I did. I was in bed just after 9pm last night, and jolted out of sleep at 3am, afraid that I’d over slept. Finally got back to sleep and only hit snooze three times before getting up at 5:30. I’m definitely tired. And morning work outs make me ravenous the rest of the day, so I’m fighting the urge to scarf down everything I packed for my snacks and lunch today and then go out and get some junk later. Totally healthy attitude I know. One snack now, while I write, then.
I did Jillian Michaels’ “Banish Fat Boost Metabolism” dvd, and sucked at it. It’s 45 minutes of all cardio, and I loathe cardio. But as the name suggests, it’s really good for your metabolism, even more so done first thing in the morning.
At least it’s not running, which I’ll be making a point of doing once I can actually get to the gym without fighting 27 people for a treadmill. But for now, something is better than nothing, and if I can keep up with this a few days a week I’ll be just delighted. (Delighted might be a strong word, but pleased with myself regardless.)
The other main thing I want to work into my training is the Show & Go plan that I purchased last November. I made it almost through one week before the holidays and my own social schedule started interfering with gym time. And then, most predictably, I haven’t picked it back up since. It’s pretty bad ass though, and I’m learning a LOT of cool strength training moves and also about ‘soft tissue work’ that will keep me healthy and less likely to get injured. I’m pretty sure that Eric Cressey (who designed the program) would want to kick my ass for even subjecting myself to Jillian Michaels baby barbell shenanigans, but at least I know better than to rely on that to get where I want to go.
Where do I want to go?
I know better than to strictly quantify my goals, but at least under 140lbs so that my BMI is in line. I’d like to be able to run a 5k (like actually run), and lift lots of heavy stuff. I’m most excited to learn how to dead lift and get a decent squat kinda like this chic. And no, I’m not afraid of getting all buff & ripped and scary away mean boys. For one, it’s REALLY HARD to get beefy. For two, so what if I do? I can help Brandon move the couch from one spot to another, woo hoo!
So where am I now?
A smidge under 160lbs. My absolute lowest was 149lbs last July. I don’t know my absolute highest, but it was somewhere around 185ish, and highest recorded was 175 last February. I busted ass to get down 25lbs in under 6 months, but at the end I was completely burnt out. I started out just not going to the gym as much, then stopped tracking my calories all the time, and then lost all my motivation to be anything other than the person who got me to my highest weight to begin with.
I have at least gained the wisdom to not consider this a failure. But it would be, if I didn’t try to get back on track again with some new goals and fresh perspective.
Ok, I’m feeling much better after my soy yogurt, so I’ll tackle giving my diet update tomorrow.
Feel well!

Dear Flabby Armed Woman Lifting 2lb Weights

*Today I am in agony. It is the second day after my official return to the gym. I knew this would happen. It always does. I did take it a little easy: didn’t lift my max weights, didn’t do multiple exercises working the same muscle groups, and was generally cautious about how much I wanted to immobilize myself due to aforementioned muscle aches. It did work, a little. While I can’t move my arms or legs, my avoidance of ab work keeps me somewhat functioning. Plus I keep getting up from my desk and walking around and secretly stretching to keep from turning myself into Gollum. In an effort to perk myself up, I’m writing this open letter to a person I saw at the gym on Wednesday.
I’m not in love with my gym. Some of the equipment is getting really old and abused, it’s missing a few pieces that I really wish they did have, the classes are kind of ‘meh’, and most of the time the only staff on hand look like high school or college students, not trainers. But it’s decent, and I can go and get my lift on without too much interference. Usually I’ll start with a stretch (both static & active), then a bit of cardio for a warm up, and then go downstairs to the weight room to lift. So on the day in question (Wednesday, two days ago), I was headed up to the treadmills when I spotted some fantastic looking calves on the stair stepper. I’m going to go ahead and assume it wasn’t an accident that this machine was placed directly at the top of the stairs, but what do I know. Anyway, I walked down to the nearest empty treadmill & started to jog. I caught a few of the stairmaster woman out of my periphery, and I was perplexed, to say the least.
She looked to be in her mid-to-late 40s, although it’s impossible to tell because she clearly had also been spending a lot of time in the tanning beds. She was very slim, and had what most people consider ideal muscle tone from the waist down. But her arms. Ug. Bronze sails in the wind. Why would she neglect one area of her body so bad?
Anyway. I finished my warm-up, went on with my tasks at hand. And then I spotted Stairmaster Calves again: in a dark corner of the gym, doing dozens of tricep kickbacks with what appeared to be a 2 pound weight. Seriously.
Here’s the deal. You can lift that 2lb. weight a thousand times, and it’s not going to change the shape of your arm, except possibly make the muscle smaller. The only way to fill out all that flabby skin is with muscle. And to build your muscles, you have to lift heavy.

Now look at this woman, I’m going to guess that’s at least a 10lb weight she’s holding. Now kickbacks aren’t easy, so ten pounds is kind of a big deal. And that’s five hundred percent of what Stairmaster Calves was doing. And if you want less flab still, well there’s another muscle on the other side of the arm called the bicep, and it works much the same way.
“Won’t I get all bulky and manly?”
Zomg. Just ask a man how hard it is to get bulky. Just ask! And they have the genetic composition to build more muscle mass than women any day of the week. So, NO, you’re not going to start looking like a She Hulk, if you trade in your Barbie-bells for something that requires actual effort.

Now I’ll be the first to admit, I had been on this train myself before. I thought going to the gym was about burning calories, not necessarily about building muscle, especially for women. But then I started doing a little reading and research, and found out that muscle is good for everybody! In particular it helps prevent osteoporosis, reduces chronic back pain, along with aiding weightloss by burning more calories. Quite frankly I had just been concerned with whether or not I’d be able to keep up with my someday-children, but the idea of ending up a shriveled up cripple in my later years was just as daunting.
So this is why I’m putting myself through this. For good health, and the people I love.

Losers are winners

So officially I didn’t win the “Beat the Boss” contest. I don’t feel a bit bad about it, though, especially since the guy who won lost over 30% of his body weight. In 4 months! If I had attempted something like that I’d be around 110lbs and bordering on underweight. So no, I didn’t win the first place prize, but I still am getting my $200. And my life back.
This past week I’ve been SO cranky. I honestly can’t say how anyone could survive a weight loss reality show. Every week, the stress and drama and wondering if your body can perform under those conditions. Bleh. I’m so glad I can get back to taking care of my body on my terms.
So last night we went out to dinner. And I had a beer. One of my favorites from Mad Anthony’s that I wait all winter and spring to get my hands on. It’s called Summer Daze, and it’s delish!

I’m also thinking about not counting my calories every day. At some point I’d like to be able to maintain or be able to lose weight without the commitment to tracking every little morsel. But it’s going to take a lot of practice, I think. And there will be no guarantees. (Which is one of the main reasons I rely on counting calories: it’s almost as good as a guarantee!) I haven’t decided if or when I will start this experiment, but I know I really want to get back in a good rhythm and good mental & emotional space so I can focus. There is also a lot of reading I should do about ‘intuitive eating’ before I go diving off head first. So we’ll see.

Beat the Boss

In one week I’ll weigh in for the completion of the Beat the Boss challenge at work. I spoke to one of the ladies in our Indianapolis office and she said that pretty much anyone who lost any weight is going to get $200. Which is pretty sweet, but considering how much I’ve spent on clothes that actually fit, I pretty much need to win this thing in order to actually come out ahead.
I know I went a little crazy when my closet seemed to expire all at once. Everything was so ill fitting, I was embarrassed to dress for work. I’m feeling, more or less, comfortable in my own skin. I’ve been wearing shorts this summer, something I can’t remember doing since I was 17 and discovered capri pants. And even as we speak I’m wearing a dress to work: 2nd time in two weeks. (Pats self on back for starting to follow through with my “slave to fashion” rant from months ago.)
Maybe I’ve gotten a little too complacent, as my weight, diet & exercise routine have all been pretty inconsistent, especially considering the looming ‘deadline.’ And if I’m this lackadaisical today, what is going to happen this fall, this winter, the holidays, and at some point in the future, the wedding? It seems to be a never ending cycle of meeting goals and then trying to find new motivation and more goals for the future.
Maybe I’m just sulking about having to spend every night this week in the gym just to get back to where I was before my trips to Chicago and NYC.
The crazy thing is, I’m only halfway to where I really should be. I’m not sure how I should feel about that. If I actually make it the rest of the way, I will weigh something like what I did at 16. I guess I’ve always been ok with being a little extra curvy, but now given the choice, I’m not sure. At 120lbs, will people call me too thin?(Even though I know that’s a healthy weight!) Will I care? Will I be able to maintain that weight?
Bleh. Such a daunting prospect, even having come this far. No cheery thought to end this post with, so I’ll just quit my moping and get ready to work out.

If you want me

Revision to my ‘blank’ summer schedule: between now & August 16th, you can find me at the gym. Or when the fall session of classes at FWDC starts, I’ll be there once a week.
Explanation?
Ok fine.
Last Friday there was an announcement that my work was going to have a “Beat the Boss” weight loss challenge, a la Biggest Loser. We weighed in Monday & will weigh ‘out’ in August. To whomever can lose a greater % of weight than our president & CEO, he will give them $200. And for the top loser, $500! I will admit to more than a little splurging this past weekend in order to gain a couple pounds back that I had lost already. (Money will make people do crazy things!) Maybe I really am crazy, but I honestly think I have a shot at winning the grand prize. If I can lose 25lbs, that would be almost 15% which I can’t see too many other people doing. So yes, you can find me at the gym.
Or come July, you should be able to find me in a leotard at the Fort Wayne Dance Collective. I know I complained about whether or not I should do this months ago, but a lot has happened to me since then. I’ve gotten so much stronger, apparently skinnier, and I’m done making excuses. I might hurt myself, but I’ve dealt with that already and I’m no stranger to braces and ice packs. As long as the schedule works out for their next session of classes, I’m totally in.
Also, I’m pretty sure you can scratch autocrossing off my list. Brandon decided that instead of a new car to race, he wanted a bigger motorcycle that we can take on long trips. It’s really nice, with it’s built-in saddle bags & even a trunk that should arrive in the next couple days.

I would guess we’ve already put 150 miles on the bike since Saturday. I already invested in a nice pair of riding boots & when finances allow, there will probably be chaps in my future.

I guess pretty much what all this means is, don’t ask me if I’ve seen any good TV this summer. Except the new Jillian Michael’s show, of course!

A Slave to Fashion

Earlier this year, I bought the ugliest pair of shoes that I have ever owned. They are very comfortable, and accommodating to my wide feet. I sort of resent them. Either that or my feet for suddenly deciding that should I wear shoes that are too narrow, that they will swell where rubbed.
Granted, I’ve gotten to that stage where I am realizing that I cannot abuse my feet, wide or not. I need them to carry me through the next couple of decades with relatively little knee and back pain. And comfortable shoes is my only bargaining chip.
I just don’t want to give myself permission to care less about the way I look. Maybe I’ve watched one too many episodes of What Not to Wear last week, but I think I’ve always had some love for fashion and shopping. Sooner than later (I hope) I will have a good reason to go shopping again anyway: needing smaller clothes.
So if I’m going to make such an investment in myself and my body, I really ought to make some changes to the things I throw over it. Resolutions, if you will. The more I’ve considered what these resolutions might be, the more afraid I am of them. But if it will push me out of my comfort zone into something sparkly, so be it.
Just a note, these resolutions will not take affect right away, seeing as I haven’t lost enough weight to go shopping yet. I haven’t decided when(if) they will, I just know that they probably should.

Proposed resolution #1: Find some cute shoes that really fit. Yes, they will probably be a little expensive because they are non-standard size. Budget for it.

#2: Wear jeans no more than one day Monday thru Friday. They’re comfy, they don’t wrinkle, they look nice with my more acceptable tops & sweaters. BUT THEY’RE STILL JEANS. I already own plenty of slacks/khakis/chinos but I have been avoiding them because they show my ugly shoes more. Nice shoes = no excuses. Unless it blizzards, I’ll save that as an excuse for this one, and also the next.

#3: Wear a dress/skirt once a week. Probably mostly dresses. I do know that being short, monochromatic makes one look taller. And get over my fear of my “ugly legs.” I’m an adult now, I know not everyone looks like a model.

#4: Buy some decent cardigans. No more over sized grandma sweaters. And maybe get one of those fuzz shavers.

#5: Wear more jewelry & accessories. And buy an adult sized jewelry box, for pete’s sake. Brandon will probably explode if he finds anything more than a dozen hair ties lying around.

I think that’s all for now. If I can master these things by this time next year, I’ll be pretty proud of myself.